WHAT IS “ANOTHER HAPPY ENDING” ABOUT & WHY DID YOU WRITE IT?
You were kind enough to post a very in depth answer to that question when it was still a manuscript on January 9th, 2024, my mother’s birthday, a present to her as I neared the one year anniversary of her death. The shorter version for the here & now & very special day that manuscript has been transformed into a book that has finally been born into this world is that after the two most difficult weeks of my life, which began, coincidentally, just after my father’s favorite number, 729, in reverse, I entered Harlem Hospital. September 27th was a heavenly date for me & the man I had fallen in love with. What he & I did together in the ten years prior, after we-reconnected, was nothing short of otherworldly & that divine night gifted a real & very true magical carpet for him. By Sunday morning of what turned out to be a soul crushing silent weekend, it began a brutally painful breakdown. In hindsight, I was able to see it was a breakdown that very much needed to happen so that the process to build myself back up could finally begin, but at the time I was refusing to accept that. I had been creating scene cards for him for years, after writing privately to him for years before that, sharing some of the most intimate details of my life. Those ‘scenes’ were actually real life experiences & memories I rounded & re-rounded, remembered & re-lived, over & again, many of the most significant experiences that had shaped my life. The constant looping…re-visiting & re-circling so many times of my life, so many times over, & over again, for so many years by that point had wound up a powerful reversal & backward spiral in my life. I had been so devoted, for so long, to changing some very unhealthy aspects of my life, & in the fall of 2019 God helped me finally face myself, & an excruciating truth, in the mirror: I had reTurned to a very unhappy, unhealthy life. The book shares the journey to & then through that place and reflection.
HOW DID YOUR DAD’S DEATH AFFECT YOU?
The day after he died, which was Holy Saturday, 2009, one of my trusted spiritual advisors called me on Easter Sunday morning to comfort me & help ease my grief. She shared that after I moved through my mourning, the potential to become even closer than we had been while both were alive would be there for me, if I would stay open to that possibility. And that is exactly what happened. I have no doubt it was because my father & I had talked thru a lot of familial ‘stuff’ together before he died. I wasn’t hanging on to any regrets with him, no anger, no woulda coulda shoulda’s, no ‘what ifs’. We had forged a beautyfull relationship. One I shared a little about in my first book. While the loss of his physical presence remains with me, & I’ve no doubt always will…there isn’t a day I don’t wish I could have another real-life conversation with him & actually hear his voice, get another human hug from him or sit across the table from him & chat about anything & everything…but what a gift bestowed on me, to feel his non-physical presence so strongly. He was able to assist me in ways that would not have been possible in his physicality. It was on the heels of his death that I devoted myself to honoring a promise I had made to him on his deathbed. A change of life he had been helping me babystep toward in the few years before but I had been unable to fully embrace to that point. But, that time did in fact come. His death was the catalyst to finally take my last few steps into a new life he knew I wanted for myself, which could only ever happen for me if I summoned my courage to end my marriage to a very good man I loved very much, but one I was not in love with. I’ve shared it before, privately & publicly…his death gave me a second chance at life…he died, in part, so I could live. And I still believe that with all my heart. This 2nd memoir shares how my father not only gave me life, then gifted me that second chance, but in a most beautyfull trifecta, my gambler dad saved that life as well.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH GRIEF OF A LOVED ONE?
My experience with mourning was very different with each of my parents. While my mother & I were nowhere near estranged, I did have some long standing, unresolved issues with her which certainly affected my grieving process. And to complicate things, that I chosen the man I had fallen in love with over her when some old family issues that had circled back forced me to face a choice which made the situation even more painful & complex. Even though at the time it certainly didn’t feel like a present in the heartwrenching pain that came with some of those choices…being given the opportunity to choose again, & make some important decisions now, differently than when I was a younger woman, when some childhood ‘stuff’ presented itself again, I’m able to wholeheartedly embrace was very much a gift. Trusting even in death you can heal relationships was what eventually moved me through that process with her. That she & I had begun some of that mending before she died, & that I had moved through some of the journey to address some of our old ‘stuff’ here together on earth helped immensely after she passed, but I feel no matter where one is on that healing spectrum with whatever relationship has been altered by physical death…it is possible to full circle closure if it is desired, & intended by the person ‘left behind’. Now it’s not just my father on the other side whose hand I feel on my shoulder as I make my way, but, my mom is supporting me in ways she was never able to while she was here on this earth. My advice to anyone trying to move through mourning & grief is to trust that you can make it to that place…of peace, reconciliation, redemption, whatever it is that might have been missing from the relationship at the time someone you love has died. It is possible. That potential does not die with the death of one of the people in the relationship. Death does not have to end the journey between the both of you. The energy of love never dies. And, while getting whatever assistance is needed in order to keep hold of that trust as you’re making your way whether through the sheer pain of loss alone because it was a beautyfull, healthy relationship, or it is compounded & complicated by some dysfunctions the relationship may have been rooted in, or includes some especially debilitating feelings you may be carrying on your back along with it like regret, anger, remorse, anger, betrayal, the kinder & gentler you can be with your own self…the more it will affect that journey in a positive way. That loving kindness, the gentility, & generosity you give to yourself will allow you to more easily give it to others, whether they are deceased or alive. Some may feel that advice is kinda moot since it should be a given but is my experience many of us have a very difficult time doing that.
HOW DO YOU STILL CONNECT WITH YOUR DAD?
My youngest son shared with me once that he told a friend, ‘my mom finds her dad everywhere’. It was, & remains true. Ever since that beautyfull gift from Mac, I’ve never been able to hear Tim McGraw’s song Everywhere, the same. Music had played a major part of our relationship’s metamorphosis before he died, & it continues as probably the most powerful way he communicates with me now. Whether it’s a line from a song that speaks directly to a question or concern I’ve just shared with him I wanted his help with at the exact moment I turn on the car radio or enter a store, or a song itself that was symbolic to us as we transformed our relationship while here together in his life, or a specific artist who catches my attention that might trigger a remembrance of his advice, a memory from a past conversation, precious moment together or shared visit.
Second to music, since I’m a runner & is often the time I use to not just calm my mind & center myself but also communicate my wants & desires & prayers for assistance it is the time I will use to stay connected to him. I walk more than run these days, because of permanent leg issues after a severe knee trauma, but no matter if is a jog along the ocean, a walk with my weighted vest on the trail that lines the shore of my summer home, or circling the baseball fields near my home in Queens…being in nature is where I can hear him clearest & feel his presence strongest. My father’s most sensitive spot was his stomach…the place where many of his mental, emotional & major physical issues manifested in his body. So, for me…whenever I’m wanting to connect with him, I try to concentrate on my breath, slow down my breathing, which was always his advice to me in life when he knew I was starting to spin, take a deep breath Tia, then take another, & envision us connecting through the solar plexus chakra. Early mornings, when the sun is rising after the dark of night, I feel him closest to me, reminding me I can do it, make it through whatever it is he is well aware I’m grappling with, which helps immensely as I try to hold my form, & make it through those days, & nights, that sometimes can feel never-ending.
I’ll share one of my experiences, & one of those nights here…one that was feeling so dire I prayed to God & cried, & cried some more to my father before finally falling off to sleep. To say it was a very distressing moment in time I was trying to move through would be an understatement. Next morning my daily ‘Note from the Universe’ from Mike Dooley & TUT (The Universe Knows) landed in my inbox just before dawn & was the absolute most right & perfect hand my dad could have extended to me to hold onto. He had been a professional baseball player for a short time in his life, a pitcher. I was feeling so weighed down by feelings of inadequacies & incompetencies, berating myself because my head was relentlessly assuring me my dad, & my God, had been pitching me all these balls, giving me so many chances in this second chance at creating an intentional life as opposed to trying to control my life, yet I was failing at being able to hit any of them because I was so inept.
Everything seemed to be going wrong. I mean EVERYTHING felt it was slipping away in my life, after so many years to make a major painstaking change the realities that were surrounding me were pounding me. I felt a derelict. Completely useless. Totally unworthy. And this was on top of a massive confusion creating additional mayhem as so many mysteries continued to snowball in my life. I have a childhood memory that is quite painful that involves the natural athletic abilities my father felt strongly I had but not very gently shared with me I was wasting because of my lack of ‘heart’. Even after mending all our fences & becoming my best friend before he died many years after that harsh, humiliating experience with him, in the state & place I had reTurned to, it was a powerful trigger pulling at all my insecurities & fears. There is no doubt my dad had heard me the night before, & was speaking directly to me, answering my call & plea for his help through Mike’s beautyfull morning email only a few hours later, as he, along with God in his graceful, magical Universe, implored me to pitch THEM the ball & let them take a swing. They encouraged me to trust them, to let them hit it out of the park for me. Not the other way around.
In the few seconds it took to read Mike’s morning inspiration the pressure diminished, my load, feeling lighter before my feet left my bed, which helped immensely to actually get out of it. He, they, would do that for me. A reminder, at a pernicious crossroad & very fragile time…I was that special. A lovely little note that somehow was able to assure me, even if only for a few critical morning moments & might slip back again at some point through the day, or maybe make it to the next without wishing I wouldn’t wake up when I laid my head down again that night, if was a good day, that I was not only not a failure, but had a big, beautyfull heart, one that was touching many people, a heart worthy of their divine assistance if I would accept the help. Staying open to any & all ways my dad may use to communicate with me is 1st & foremost, then, keeping faith that what I hear from him, when what he tells me may not necessarily be the exact advice I may want to take is instrumental. There’s a fine line between hearing our intuition & listening to the sounds that try very hard to convince us are divine inspirations & communications yet are really speaking from our head, or others around us. And it is its own precious sojourn to learn how to discern the difference for your own self. Our human selves want what we want, but our higher selves, & God, along with all our loved ones, angels & guides on the other side are all privy to a much bigger picture that we are not here in our humanity. Allowing him, they, them to grace me with the reminder to keep going with their flowing, even when some very human triggers may be trying to pull me back to my own old, less than healthy habits & ways, is a huge part of that ‘how’.
HOW ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOM? HOW HAS THAT AFFECTED YOU?
While the beautyfull relationship I forged with my dad before he died left nothing unsaid between us & was the catapult to my finally deciding to change a life I wasn’t fully satisfied in, it was my relationship with my mom, both before, but more importantly after she passed, that has proven to be the most transformative force in my life.
My parents had planned to name me Stephanie, after my dad. At the very last moment, they decided they wanted to keep the name in case their next child, which they already knew they wanted to have, was a boy. My birth certificate has my name handwritten on the back because they hadn’t decided on the alternate name in time. They ultimately chose me to be my mom’s namesake, Patricia. I’ve been Tia though, almost my entire life, since my older sister was not able to say Tricia which was what they were planning to call me. It was a slow but sacred realization along the way of this 16 year sojourn that I began when my father died in 2009…making peace with her, & embracing her name (as well as the middle name they had given me, Adele, which was my paternal grandmother’s name rather than the middle name I gave myself when I lost my social security card in high school, Marie, which was my maternal grandmother’s name) was as important a part of my journey of metamorphosis & change as was my father’s assistance to finally take the last few steps & end a marriage I had long struggled to leave. I came across a tiny pink pocket sized book in my special box under my bed at a certain point along this mini-life to a 2nd book, from my mom. For My Daughter: Thoughts on Love, Life & Happiness. It’s been on my desk since. Its incredible to me, I only just very recently realized, right after I received the 1st actual paperback for final read through & approval that the shade of pink matches the cover of my book, along with a very similar subtitle: Lessons in Love, Loss & Full Circle Acceptance. I literally stopped, dropped, & prayed the most beautyfull prayer of thanks to my mom in that holy aha moment. And, I choose to trust that similarity is not a coincidence.
Coming full circle with her & healing some long ago opened wounds between us after she died held a very important key for me. When I started writing this 2nd memoir, although I was well aware of the significance of her life on mine after a 1st book about the three most important men in my life, the ending chapters that wound up closing this 2nd book feel very meant to be to me. After her death in March of 2023 I began writing about her, rather than go back into the manuscript that was waiting on my approval after an edit I’d just received before she died landed in my inbox. I just couldn’t bring myself to open it though. It was a deeply painful time for the obvious reason, as well as a number of much more private reasons & instead of opening it & moving forward with it, I began writing about her. It was so comforting to me as I struggled through an almost unbelievable to me year that followed, one I began to fear was moving from a debilitating confusion to another full blown breakdown barreling at me as the calendar pages passed. I was growing more scared as the memory of Harlem Hospital started taking up more & more of my headspace by the time December hit hard & I was growing more distressed, worriedly bracing to begin the new year rather than welcoming a blessed 2024 with open arms. My mother stayed with me though, I have no doubt. Her connection to Ray and his daughter, not just her connection to her own child, in the holy hindsight that time has gifted me with, has only deepened my sense of awe & wonderment of this beautyfull interconnected story & has not just cultivated, but strengthened a trust & faith in my mom I never was able to allow for myself with her before. Just after the one year anniversary of her death, I crossed paths with Jessica Buchanan, who is the Founder of Soul Speak Press. It was not long before we began working together & whittling down what by that point was a very, very long manuscript. I have no doubt it was my mother’s hand on my shoulder guiding me right to her & Soul Speak.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO ANYONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIED, BUT WHO NEVER FELT ABLE TO BE THEIR AUTHENTIC SELVES WITH THEM, WHO MAY HAVE FELT EMOTIONALLY NEGLECTED BY THEM IN THEIR LIFE?
I certainly don’t have the answer for anybody but me, but I will share that when I was finally able to accept, which led to an embrace, of a very real truth: that my parents, just like me, had wounds, & trauma, & unhealed stuff with their own parents & upbringing which had very much contributed to the ways & they why’s they parented how they did it took me to an amazingly beautyfull crossroad I was able to consider moving down. Paths I honestly never let myself consider for myself before started to open up. My 1st thought in answering this question was to share how getting to the place I knew they loved me & did the best they could with what they had, helped me immensely, which is certainly true, but doesn’t adequately express it fully I realized as I thought upon my answer to your question. Is a blurry line, discerning whether someone is doing the best they can…each person only really truly knows that answer for themselves. And of course is a completely different conversation when pondered from the perspective of a divine big picture as opposed to our very human selves. Whereas my dad was very much aware he wanted to do better, & set that intention for himself at a certain point, I’m still not completely sure where my mother was on the awareness spectrum of some certain important issues & aspects of her life, & the implications & influences of them on her childrens’ lives. I spent some time, certainly before, & then again, after her death, reeling in the pain of my certainty that she knew better, she had to know better, didn’t she?, how could she not about some certain things?, & felt betrayed she hadn’t made the choice or set the intention to doing better, in some certain critical parts of her life, & certainly some pivotal aspects of my relationship with her. But truth is, I’ve come to accept she may not have, in some certain areas. And in others, if she did have clarity, even though she still was not able to take all the steps necessary to create the changes I myself might have wanted her to make, or maybe even SHE wanted to make for her own self, it was a godsend to have my own litebulb moment…it didn’t mean she wasn’t trying. It didn’t mean she wasn’t doing her best. Its been a beautyfull full circle acceptance that has helped me immensely in the time since she has passed over…she really was doing the best she could. Knowing our issues isn’t the same as healing them. It is a critical important first step, but after, many slow down, or turn away from some of those important aha’s that have finally dawned on them, so long had they been in the dark so to speak. I certainly did…but that doesn’t necessarily mean that person isn’t wanting to face them, or will at some point face them, or maybe, just maybe, is fighting a relentless internal battle to get themselves to look at them. Everybody’s best will be different every single day. It’s funny, my oldest, Sam, just finished Don Miquel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, which became one of my father’s favorite books later in life which we discussed at length, agreement by agreement. We both ‘agreed’, ‘Don’t take things personally’ was our biggest struggle out of the Four, but always doing your best was another one of that sacred quad.
Accepting our some times troubled parents have come from troubled parents who have come from troubled parents & so on & so back etc, doesn’t excuse all behavior, but it absolutely can help healing if we allow that truth to diminish some of our anger, or feeling of betrayal, & certainly helped me let go of some judgments & resentments it took me a really long time in my life to even acknowledge I was holding onto. It was a powerful, important start but that doesn’t mean moving forward in that truth was not intensely challenging. But for me, it built a beautyfull positive momentum which helped move me along…I began to be kinder to my own self after being able to accept it wasn’t me, my faults, my inadequacies, & incompetencies that were the reasons they were behaving the way they were. It wasn’t my this or that, but my own parents stuff…stuff I was NOT responsible for, nor failing at.
With my dad, I worked through much that had become some real stumbling blocks in my life, in our human life together. Late in life, but we did. With my mom, we came full circle after she died. It IS possible. The first step is wanting to let go of that pain though & committing to moving through a lot of muck to get unstuck…& that is where it gets difficult & extremely challenging, at least for me. Seems obvious…most would say ‘of course I want to’. But saying something, doesn’t make it so, no matter how much we might like for it to, nor no matter how many times we may insist something is so. Truth is, its hard to let go of who we really are sometimes, brutally challenging to let go of our past, & who we have spent many, many years being & be able to arrive at the place we can embrace who we truly are so we can find our courage to let that person live out loud in our real life.
That parent, or sibling, or relative or friend, any person, who may have caused you intense strife in this life is not the same on the other side as was on this human earth. And it is not only possible to heal from it after they die but they can help us immensely in that process if we will let them.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW NOW ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WOULD HAVE HELPED YOUR YOUNGER SELF?
That I’m kinder, more talented, smarter, funnier, & much more beautyfull than my younger self ever thought or felt. That certainly doesn’t mean I don’t ever struggle with self esteem issues anymore. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I do feel many who have grown up with one or both parents who struggle with an addiction might agree…there is such a sense of inadequacy as best, which, at worst, can lead to a real sense of self loathing. The feeling it is partly, if not mostly, YOUR fault when you live with parents who are not at peace & hating parts of their past, their own self & life is very powerful. And the want & need to fix whatever it is, which, as a child you are not able to connect the dots have nothing to do with you, so wind up feeling it is your responsibility to keep trying to help them, fix them, change their behavior, somehow, to be better, to do better is overwhelming at times, frustrating & debilitating since nothing you do ever seems to ultimately ‘fix’ them or stop their pain. And, while trying to keep it all hidden from ‘outsiders’, on top of that, because you are feeling such shame, is exhausting. It cannot NOT shape us. The saving grace for me was to one day understand and accept it WASN’T me. Or any of my siblings. Or anyone or anything outside of themselves. It was something inside of them that needed addressing & healing. And that was an awareness, which then had to become a choice that THEY themselves would have to choose to make for themselves. It was not my responsibility, NOR my right, to take that on. With them, or anyone in my life. Trying to do right by & for others, whether its our children, parents, friends, significant others, everybody or anybody, over & above our own selves is the surest way to do right by no one, most especially one’s own self, at least that is the way it has been in my experience since it is absolutely one of the side effects & consequences of growing up in a household where there is addiction. Knowing that as a child would have changed everything…but maybe that was part of the point of it? Another reminder for me it is about the journey we come here for, not the destination, even if I’m sure there are some really beautyfull destinations out there on this big beautyfull planet earth just waiting to explored & experienced.
HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANY SYNCHRONICTIES THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS THAT HAVE BEEN HELPFUL?
Well, Matthew, when you kindly replied to my 1st email, generously offering me your space to talk about my story, so many years ago by now, after my 1st book published, when many were choosing to not only not openly discuss or review my book, but many did not even respond to outreaches, & I was feeling in quite a scary, confusing, deafeningly silent place after all that had happened in the few years prior, that your response happened to arrive in my inbox while I was in a cab on my way to a golf outing in my father’s name & honor, it felt very much a synchronistic moment indeed. As my struggle through my own personal ‘stuff’ continued to grow in speed & intensity as the book hung out there, very much alone, you were a Godsend…& dad send, no doubt in my mind. And is not surprising to me at all your reply way back then has led to your site being the place to host this special post today.
I’m a Life Path 6 in numerology, & I’ll share that the six years it has taken to turn those scene cards into another manuscript, then into book, almost to the exact date, feels a very meant to be full circle. There was more than one release date set, changed more than once for more than one reason. At a certain point, though, the date moved out of my hands so to speak, as far as being able to have any more input with regards to changes…which then became an opportunity for me to embrace my faith & recommit trust to the guidance from above again in my life, again, which was one of the important reasons for starting writing it in the first place that late Fall of 2019.
I answered one of your questions in our last q&a about when it would be available for readers saying I honestly didn’t know, but trusted it would release in its right & perfect timing. It was yet another way for me to let God, & all those above who can see a much bigger picture than me, know I trusted them to lead me well. It was one of the main reasons I wound up breaking down the way I did, feeling my God had completely forsaken me. So, has been a beautyfull circle indeed to continue reTurning to the trust I spent many mini-lives forging for myself, yet somehow wound up letting slip away as I slipped back to a life I had diligently devoted to changing for myself. One of my favorite places in the book is where I share that I feel this beautyfull love story is ‘a holy lesson in love of a lifetime about fate and destiny, kismet and kindred spirits, synchronicity and serendipity”. Many were edited out, along with much else, so that a reader could take the journey with me without having to take the length of time it actually took me to move through it, but the ones that were meant to made it in, for sure (with much gratitude by the way to a beautyfull, talented editor, Ilsa Manning). And will hopefully inspire any reader, who is wanting, to look for those winks&nods, the ‘coincidences’, to stay open to synchronicities & serendipities…because they are there, always trying to help align the divine with humanity, merge our fate with our destiny.
ONE PRAYER. ONE POEM. ONE PROMISE. ONE MAN. MANY NAMES. MANY YEARS. ANY REGRETS?
Not one. Going All-In was the most graceful gift of my life. While I may not be proud of my every single moment, or decision, I am beyond proud of my choice to remain devoted to the All-In my Hall of Fame father helped me to finally feel worthy enough, & courageous enough, to choose for myself. I had to fall in reel love with a very ordinary Joe to fall in real love with an ordinary, extraordinary Ray. And what a beautyfull falling it was. A fantastical courting of the most magical spectacular divine proportions. And I have been waiting for my Emilio since he asked me to give him a year to come to me & I gave him my word I would wait. It is long past that timing. And even though I never heard from him on that special anniversary date, nor after…not a word about what had happened, what was going on, or if he was still wanting, hoping, or planning to make it me, I chose to remain devoted to a very private prayer shared only with him & my God. It has been the most painful, joyful, meaningful, thoughtful, faithful (& less too at times), rollercoaster ride & great adventure of my life…to choose, for myself, what I wanted to do…& stay true.
