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]]>“Sometimes walking away is the only way to stop walking away from yourself.” ~Unknown
I was between sessions. My TV was on in the background—something I’d half-started watching called The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu—as I walked into the kitchen to make myself some lunch.
It’s about a group of Mormon wives who became TikTok famous and got into what they call “soft swing.” In one scene, a young woman argues with her mother, who has a long list of rules about how her daughter should behave. The daughter has been avoiding church, tiptoeing around the threat of excommunication, and trying to hold onto her freedom without losing her family.
I stood there watching, lunch forgotten, because something in it stopped me.
She’s struggling between who she truly is and belonging. And isn’t that just the human condition?
We crave connection. We are hardwired for it, for better and for worse. But connection to the tribe comes with a price. It always has. You follow the rules. You tuck in the parts of yourself that don’t fit—sometimes small parts, sometimes enormous ones—and in exchange, you get to belong. It’s a transaction. Just without a dollar bill changing hands.
The implicit agreement is this: earn your place, stay in your lane, and the group will keep you. It’s a kind of token economy. An unspoken loyalty contract. And most of us sign it before we’re old enough to read the fine print.
I Was in a Cult for Forty-Three Years
It wasn’t a religious cult. There were no robes, no compound, no charismatic leader asking for your savings account. It was subtler than that and more pervasive.
It was called the cult of people. The cult of people is the one most of us are born into.
It’s the constant noise of other people’s needs, opinions, and expectations.
It’s the performance of connection—the seeking of external validation, the addiction to being liked, needed, included.
It’s organizing your entire inner life around what the people around you can tolerate.
It’s making yourself small enough, palatable enough, agreeable enough to keep the peace and keep the people.
For forty-three years, I was a devoted member. I didn’t know I was in it. That’s how cults work.
Seven Years of Deprogramming
Nearly seven years ago, I started leaving. Not intentionally, at first. It came as a byproduct of things I didn’t choose—the pandemic, raising a child with special needs largely on my own, and the slow, unglamorous work of therapy. I started to see, for the first time, just how much reaching and earning and contorting I had done most of my life. How much of myself I had tucked away to stay connected to people who needed me manageable.
I didn’t want to earn anymore. But I didn’t know what or who not earning would make me.
So I found out.
Seven years of tears. Of loneliness that had no bottom. Of massive anxiety attacks in the middle of ordinary days. Of heartbreak and losses I didn’t see coming. Of watching my circle get smaller and smaller and sitting with the terrifying question of whether I had somehow caused it. Of feeling, at times, like I was in hell.
I don’t want to paint this as something beautiful, because it hasn’t been. But it has been something. And it hasn’t been wasted.
What Deprogramming Actually Looks Like
In actual cults, deprogramming requires distance. You have to step away from the group that demanded your self-betrayal—physically, emotionally, sometimes permanently—before you can begin to see the water you were swimming in. The same is true here.
When you start creating distance from the cult of people, a few things happen.
First, it looks like something is very wrong with you. You get quieter. You stop performing. You decline the invitations you used to accept out of obligation. Your circle shrinks. The people around you—still inside the cult—don’t understand it, and some of them take it personally. Because in the cult, withdrawing is the most threatening thing you can do. The cult needs your participation to survive.
But something else happens too. Since you’ve already been abandoned by the people who couldn’t follow you into honesty, abandonment loses some of its power. You stop lying to yourself to stay connected. You start seeing the implicit agreements you’ve been making your whole life—all the ways you made a deal with the group, traded pieces of yourself for belonging, and called it love.
You start seeing clearly. And clarity, it turns out, is both the gift and the grief of this whole process.
The Both/And of It
Here’s what no one tells you about leaving the cult of people: it doesn’t feel like freedom right away. It feels like loss. It feels like loneliness. It feels like you made a terrible mistake.
And at the same time, underneath all of that, something else is growing. Something quieter and steadier. A self that isn’t performing. A voice you can actually trust. An internal compass that works because it isn’t being scrambled by everyone else’s signals.
This is the both/and that healing actually looks like—not either/or, not broken or healed, not lost or found. Both. Simultaneously. Breaking down and breaking through at the same time. Sad and longing and also, somewhere underneath it, knowing you deserve better. Making all the right decisions and still watching things fall apart. Hearing the voices in your head that tear you down and still—still—holding the younger version of yourself with kindness.
That’s not weakness. That’s what it actually looks like to be a human being in the middle of becoming more honest.
The Road to Freedom
I’m not fully deprogrammed. I don’t know if that’s even the goal. I still get lonely. I still sometimes feel the pull to earn my way back into rooms that cost me too much. I still grieve the connections that couldn’t survive my becoming more myself.
But I’m more comfortable with the sadness than I used to be. It doesn’t scare me like it did. I’ve learned to sit with myself in a way I couldn’t before—not because the discomfort went away, but because I stopped running from it.
This is what I know now: the same thing that means no one is going to save you is also the thing that means no one gets to stop you. The aloneness that felt like abandonment turns out to also be the open road. When you stop organizing your life around what the group can tolerate, you find out—maybe for the first time—what you actually want. Who you actually are. What you’re actually capable of.
That’s not a consolation prize.
That’s the road to freedom.
About Allison Briggs
Allison Jeanette Briggs is a therapist, writer, and speaker specializing in helping women heal from codependency, childhood trauma, and emotional neglect. She blends psychological insight with spiritual depth to guide clients and readers toward self-trust, boundaries, and authentic connection. Allison is the author of the upcoming memoir On Being Real: Healing the Codependent Heart of a Woman and shares reflections on healing, resilience, and inner freedom at on-being-real.com.
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]]>The post Why I Couldn’t Stop Reacting (Even Though I Knew Better) first appeared on My Love Link - Love.
]]>“Knowledge is not skill. Knowledge plus ten thousand times is skill.” ~Shinichi Suzuki
I knew exactly what to say to my narcissistic mother. I just could never say it.
For twenty years I studied every technique in the book. Gray rocking (becoming emotionally neutral and unreactive). Broken record (calmly repeating the same boundary). Don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). I could explain these strategies to a stranger at a coffee shop with complete clarity.
But when my mom was sitting across from me at dinner, pushing every button she knew I had, all of it vanished. Every single time.
My body would take over. My chest would tighten, my palms would sweat, and within seconds I was either frozen or firing back with the exact emotional reaction she was looking for. Then I’d hate myself on the drive home, replaying what I should have said instead.
This went on for two decades.
The Cycle
Both of my parents fit every pattern of narcissistic abuse I’ve ever read about. My dad wasn’t around much, so it was mostly my mom from my teenage years onward.
We went through multiple rounds of no contact. The longest stretch was three years after too much toxic stuff happened between her and my wife. I thought distance would fix things. It didn’t.
Cutting her off completely didn’t feel like the answer either. I’d come back, things would be fine for a while, and then the cycle would start again. A family dinner. A phone call. A comment designed to get under my skin.
And I’d react. Every time.
The frustrating part was that I understood what was happening. I’d watched hundreds of videos from psychologists who specialize in narcissistic abuse. I’d read the books, joined the forums, and nodded along to every post that described my exact situation.
I knew the theory cold. But knowing isn’t the same as being able to do it when someone is looking you in the eyes and twisting the knife.
The Dinner That Changed Everything
Last December my dad got cancer. I flew back to my home country to visit them. Dad refused to see me, saying he didn’t want me to see him “like that.” So I got stuck with my mom.
We spent a surprisingly pleasant day together, talking about everything in the world except anything personal. I was almost caught off guard by how nice she was being.
Then after dinner she dropped it: “We need to talk about what happened three years ago.”
Here’s what I did differently this time. Before the meeting, I’d spent days repeating one idea to myself: if she had Alzheimer’s or dementia, I wouldn’t argue with her. There would be no point. Her brain wouldn’t allow her to hear me no matter how perfect my argument was.
I decided to apply the same logic. She’s sick. It’s her illness talking. There is zero point in explaining myself or justifying anything.
So when she started, I said, “I’m not going back to the past. What happened, happened. Let’s focus on the present and on supporting dad with his recovery.”
She didn’t accept that. She kept digging, throwing out things she knew would get under my skin. “Your wife is cold and heartless. She didn’t even offer me coffee when I was at your house.” “You sat me at the worst table at your wedding.” Stuff from years and years ago.
I had a comeback for every single one. I always do. But that never works with her. She recycles the same topics because she knows they trigger me.
It was hard. I felt like I was in a high-stakes interrogation. I could literally feel the sweat running down my back. Every part of me wanted to fire back and “put her in her place.”
But I kept thinking: Alzheimer’s. No point. She’s very ill.
After about ten minutes, she just stopped. Completely changed the subject to something random she saw on the news. I couldn’t believe it.
About twenty minutes later she tried again. It was getting late, my defenses were low, and she stepped up her game with even more provocative topics. But I held the line. Same sentence, over and over: “I’m not discussing things from the past.”
Then she stopped again. Changed her whole demeanor. And said, “Thanks so much for coming. I’m so happy you’re back.”
I called my wife that night and told her that the meeting was transformational. For the first time in my life, I walked away from a conversation with my mom without being completely wrecked. I felt liberated. I felt empowered. I felt like I’d stopped being a victim, like I’d actually chosen to stop being one.
That feeling was the most powerful thing I’ve experienced as an adult.
Why This Time Was Different
I didn’t learn a new technique that night. “Broken record” is the same strategy I’d known for years. What changed was that I’d practiced the words out loud, over and over, in the days before the meeting.
Not in my head. Out loud.
There’s a massive difference between thinking, “I’ll just gray rock her” and actually hearing your own voice say, “I’m not discussing things from the past” fifteen times in a row until it becomes boring and automatic.
Athletes don’t prepare for big games by reading about their sport. Pilots don’t train for emergencies by watching YouTube videos about flying. They rehearse the exact movements until their body can execute them under stress without needing their brain to cooperate.
That’s what was missing for me for twenty years. I kept trying to think my way through moments that were happening in my body, not my mind.
When a narcissist triggers you, your nervous system reacts in milliseconds. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that holds all those smart techniques, goes offline. You’re operating on instinct and emotion. No amount of reading can override that.
But repetition can. When you’ve said the same phrase out loud dozens of times, it stops being a conscious decision and starts being a reflex. That’s the difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it.
What I’d Tell Someone Who’s Stuck in the Same Loop
If you know all the right things to say but can never say them when it matters, here’s what helped me.
Practice out loud, not in your head.
Say your boundary sentence, your gray rock response, whatever phrase you want to use, out loud, over and over. It feels silly at first. Do it anyway. Your voice needs to know what it sounds like saying those words so your body can find them under pressure.
Pick one sentence and commit to it.
Don’t try to have a perfect response for every possible attack. Pick one line and use it for everything. Mine was “I’m not discussing things from the past.” It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t perfectly address what they’re saying. That’s the point. You’re not engaging with the content. You’re holding a line.
Expect it to feel terrible.
The sweat, the racing heart, the overwhelming urge to fire back. That’s all normal. It doesn’t mean the technique isn’t working. It means your nervous system is doing what it’s always done. The difference is that this time your mouth is saying the right thing even while your body is screaming at you to react.
Reframe who they are.
The Alzheimer’s reframe changed everything for me. When I stopped seeing my mom as someone who could be reasoned with and started seeing her as someone whose illness makes reasoning impossible, the urge to explain myself disappeared. You don’t argue with dementia. You don’t argue with narcissism either.
Know that they will stop.
This was the most surprising part. After ten minutes of getting nothing from me, my mom just… stopped. Narcissists feed on your reaction. When there’s no reaction, the conversation has no fuel. It burns out on its own. Knowing this in advance makes it easier to hold the line when every second feels like an hour.
It Gets Easier
That dinner with my mom was the first time I held my ground. It wasn’t the last.
The conversations since then have been different. Not because she changed. She hasn’t. But because I showed up differently. And each time I practice, the responses come faster and the emotional charge gets a little smaller.
I spent twenty years believing that if I just understood narcissism well enough, I’d be able to handle it. Understanding was never the problem. The problem was that I never trained my body to do what my brain already knew.
If you’re stuck in that same gap between knowing and doing, try practicing out loud before your next difficult conversation. It won’t be perfect. But it might be the first time you walk away feeling like you chose how it went, instead of feeling like it happened to you.
That shift is worth everything.
About Tim Wekezer
Tim Wekezer grew up with two narcissistic parents and spent twenty years learning techniques he could never use in the moment. The gap between knowing and doing led him to build Nagi (nagipeace.com), an app that lets you practice narcissistic abuse conversations out loud with an AI until your responses become automatic. He recently shared his story on Reddit, where it reached over 300,000 people. Say hi at hello@nagipeace.com.
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]]>The post – Sage Goddess You Are Safe To Receive, Nervous System Magic first appeared on My Love Link - Love.
]]>When it comes to abundance, most of us have tried to “do it right.” We set intentions, repeat affirmations, make our lists, and still feel that tight little knot of worry in the belly. It’s frustrating when you’re calling in more and yet your body feels tense, your mind is racing, and nothing seems to land. Abundance isn’t just about what you think or say; it’s about the energy your whole system is broadcasting, and that begins with how safe you feel to receive.
When Manifestation Starts To Feel Like Pressure
If you’ve ever tried to manifest from a place of urgency, you know the feeling. You light the candle, say the prayer, visualize the outcome, and secretly think, “Please let this work, I really need it.” Underneath the ritual, there’s a current of fear.
That fear is what turns manifestation into pressure. It’s the checking, the gripping, the constant scanning for signs that keep your nervous system on high alert. When you’re in that space, abundance doesn’t feel like support; it feels like something you’re chasing and never quite catching.
Abundance energy is naturally expansive. It wants openness, not tension. When your body is tight, and your breath is shallow, you’re sending a signal that you don’t feel safe. And when you don’t feel safe, it’s very hard to relax into receiving.
Why Force Blocks Flow
Your nervous system is designed to protect you. It’s always asking, “Am I safe, or am I under threat.” If it senses danger, it shifts you into survival, fight, flight, or freeze. That might look like obsessing over money, working past your limits, or shutting down and avoiding your finances altogether.
From that state, trying to force manifestation usually backfires. When you push, over-effort, and put intense pressure on yourself to “make it happen,” your body reads that as stress. Even if your mind is saying, “I want more,” your body might be quietly saying, “More feels scary, more feels like too much.”
This is where a lot of people get stuck. They think their intentions are wrong, or their rituals are off, when in truth their nervous system is simply overwhelmed. Manifestation isn’t meant to be another stressor in your life. It’s meant to be a co-creation between you, your energy, and the Universe, rooted in a sense of inner steadiness.
Your Body Has To Feel Safe To Receive
Real abundance work starts with safety. When your nervous system feels regulated, your breath slows, your muscles soften, and your awareness drops out of your head and back into your body. In that state, you’re more open to new possibilities, more willing to trust, and more able to hold what comes.
Think about the times you’ve felt most supported in your life. Your shoulders were softer, your jaw was unclenched, and you could actually feel your feet on the ground. That’s the energy abundance responds to. Not perfection, not constant positivity, but a sense that your body can handle more without collapsing or bracing for impact.
Simple practices help you get there. A few slow breaths with one hand on your heart and one on your belly. A quiet moment with your favorite stone before you open your email or check your bank app. A choice to pause before reacting, so you can respond from grounded awareness instead of fear. These small shifts teach your system that it’s safe to soften, expand, and receive.
Your Relationship With Money: Is It Really Yours?
Most of us didn’t consciously design our money stories. We inherited them. Growing up, we absorb the way our caregivers speak about bills, success, debt, and desire. We notice whether money feels like a constant crisis, something whispered in secret, or something that flows more easily.
Those early impressions sink deep. They can become beliefs like “There’s never enough,” “I have to work twice as hard to deserve anything,” or “If I receive more, something bad will happen later.” These aren’t truths, they’re scripts, and they often live in the nervous system long after you’ve outgrown the circumstances that created them.
It’s powerful to gently ask yourself, “Is my relationship with money actually mine, or am I replaying someone else’s story.” You might notice phrases that don’t sound like you, or behaviors that don’t match your current values or reality. This awareness is the first doorway to change. You’re allowed to build a new relationship with money, one where abundance feels like partnership, not punishment, and where having more doesn’t mean abandoning your values or your peace.
The Energy of Trust-Based Manifestation
Trust-based manifestation doesn’t ignore desire. It just removes the panic from it. You still name what you want. You still take aligned action. But your body is no longer bracing for disappointment at every step.
In this energy, your intentions feel calm and clear. You’re anchored in the knowing that you’re supported, even if you don’t see the full path yet. You’re willing to move, to try, to adjust, without making every outcome a verdict on your worth. Abundance becomes something you’re available for, not something you’re trying to wrestle into existence.
You start to notice small confirmations. A new opportunity. A kind email. An unexpected check. Instead of clinging to them or fearing they’ll disappear, you let them land. You breathe with them. You receive them fully. That simple act of staying present with what’s already here tells the Universe, “I can hold more. I’m ready.”
Crystal Allies For Relaxed, Supported Abundance
Crystals can be beautiful allies in this process, especially when you work with them as partners in both regulation and expansion.
- Citrine carries bright, sunlit energy that activates the Solar Plexus Chakra and supports confidence, joy, and natural manifestation power. It reminds you that your light is attractive, and that you don’t have to shrink or apologize for wanting more.
- Yellow Apatite clears the mental fog around money and goals. It promotes optimism and focus so you can see your next steps clearly and take inspired action without slipping into overwork or burnout.
- Cinnabrite is a manifestation stone that helps you ground your visions in reality. It connects your sense of purpose to your prosperity, so that wealth becomes an expression of your magic rather than something separate from your spiritual path.
- Rhodizite is a tiny but mighty amplifier that opens you to receiving. It softens old beliefs that say you’re too much or not enough and helps you feel genuinely worthy of ease, support, and expansion.
- Epidote is a powerful heart-centered magnifier. It tends to amplify the energy you already carry, making it a beautiful partner for conscious abundance work. When you pair epidote with gratitude, trust, and clear intention, it supports the growth of those frequencies in your field and invites more of what you truly want.
- Spessartine Garnet brings creative fire, courage, and joy in action. It encourages you to move forward with passion rather than fear, try new things, and let your gifts be seen so that opportunities can actually find you.
- Emerald holds the vibration of steady, heart centered abundance. It supports emotional balance, generosity, and long-term prosperity, reminding you that true wealth is about the quality of your life, your relationships, and your connection to the Divine as much as it is about material gain.
A Daily Nervous System-Based Receiving Practice
You don’t need a huge ritual to shift your relationship with abundance. A few minutes a day can make a real difference.
Choose one abundance stone you feel drawn to right now. Sit comfortably and hold it in your receiving hand, usually the left. Place your other hand on your heart or low belly, anywhere that feels grounding. Close your eyes and take 5 to 10 slow, intentional breaths, letting each exhale be just a little longer than the inhale.
As you breathe, notice where your body feels even slightly softer or more open. It might be your shoulders, your jaw, your chest. Let your awareness rest there. Then, in a gentle voice, speak an affirmation such as “I am safe to expand,” or “I am safe to receive more than before.” Don’t force yourself to believe it instantly. Just let the words land like a soft offering.
Imagine abundance as a steady current moving toward you, not a tidal wave that will overwhelm your life. See yourself receiving more with grace, with strong boundaries, with a calm nervous system that knows how to say yes and how to say no. When you feel complete, thank your stone and your body for showing up, and go about your day with a little more trust than before.
Ritual tools can help your body recognize, “This is a safe moment to open.” They become cues that signal to your nervous system, “We’re not in crisis, we’re in ceremony.”
When you work with my Prayer for Prosperity Candle, let it be more than a wish. Light it with intention, breathing in the flame as a symbol of your own inner light and resilience. As it burns, imagine it holding your prayers for stability, support, and overflow, not as demands, but as invitations. You can use this candle as a daily grounding point, a moment to come back to yourself, your breath, and your trust.
My Abundant Wealth Perfume is a beautiful tool for embodiment. When you anoint your pulse points, your heart, or the back of your neck, you’re not just adding scent; you’re creating a sensory anchor for the feeling of worthiness and receiving. Over time, your body begins to associate that fragrance with expansion, confidence, and calm. Wear it before money conversations, creative work, or any moment where you’re stepping into greater visibility or opportunity.
A Prayer For Softened Receiving
You’re welcome to adapt this prayer or speak it in your own words:
Spirit of abundance, hear my heart’s soft plea.
Help me loosen my grip so my blessings flow free.
Release the old stories that kept me in fear.
Clear doubt from my pathways so wealth can draw near.
Guide my whole being to safety and ease.
Let my nervous system relax and be pleased.
Teach me to welcome wealth, gentle and kind.
A friend on my journey, not a weight on my mind.
Let what I receive overflow, shared and bright.
May my prosperity bring others more light.
I’m ready to open in body and soul.
With a trusting heart, I step into my role.
And so it is.
Abundance Meets You Where You Open
Abundance isn’t something you win by working the hardest or worrying the most. It’s something that meets you where you’re willing to soften, to question old beliefs, and to make your body a safer place to live. When your nervous system feels held, when your relationship with money becomes truly your own, and when you allow trust to lead more than fear, your field changes.
This month, let your abundance practice be less about forcing outcomes and more about building safety, clarity, and self-trust. Work with your stones, your candle, your perfume, and your breath as loving allies. You don’t have to chase what’s meant for you. You only have to become ready to receive it.
And so it is.
Going Deeper With SG Gemology
The Sage Goddess Gemology Certification Program is a 7-month immersive journey into the wisdom, science, history, and healing properties of crystals and gemstones designed to prepare you to expand your crystal healing practice or train as a facilitator to teach others. Organized around the seven chakras, this certification program guides students in a deep exploration of the stones most aligned with each chakra, and in learning how to work with them for healing, transformation, and spiritual growth.
More than a chakra course, this is a comprehensive introduction to gemology through the Sage Goddess lens. Students will explore the energetic, emotional, physical, structural, and spiritual qualities of crystals, while also diving into the true nature of the stones themselves: how they form, their mineral structure and composition, crystal systems, sacred geometry, color correspondences, historical and cultural uses, geological origins, and the unique properties that make each stone special.
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]]>The post Joy: Not a Feeling but a Stable Disposition Found In God first appeared on My Love Link - Love.
]]>We live in a world today that encourages us to seek personal happiness at every turn. We are told to “do what makes you happy” without considering the consequences. We are told to be happy for others when they seek and find what makes them happy. We say we want our children to be happy. We are assaulted with constant messaging about the things and circumstances that will make us happy: If I get a promotion, I will be happy; If my spouse was more attentive, I would be happy; If I can save enough money for that vacation, I will be happy; If I lose weight, I will be happy; and the list goes on.
To be clear, none of these things, in and of themselves, are bad or wrong. In fact, it is written into our American constitution – written by devoutly Christian men – that we have an inherent right to the pursuit of happiness. Happiness is a good that is given to us by God, and we ought to be grateful when it is achieved. However, there is an even greater good that is deeper than happiness and that is joy. Let’s take a closer look at the differences between happiness and joy.
At its base level, happiness is an emotion or feeling. Feelings always change and are not particularly reliable or stable. They are fleeting and very often dependent on outside circumstances. Take the example of being promoted at work. When your boss calls you to give you the news, of course, you feel happy. You may even take your family out to dinner to celebrate the happy occasion. However, if it had been just another day at the office, would you feel compelled to have the same sort of celebration? Probably not. Marriage is another great example of how the feeling of happiness can be fleeting and fickle. When a couple first gets married, of course, they are happy. However, as the years pass, married couples will experience sadness, loss, frustration, anger, stress, and so on. There is no such thing as a married couple that has been 100% happy, 100% of the time.
Feelings can also be influenced by one’s personality. For example, you may know people who find it very easy to be happy at any given time, while you may also know others who have more melancholy temperaments. Perhaps you know someone who is good about encouraging others to choose happiness over other negative feelings. In other words, we should refocus our thoughts and activities away from those that make us unhappy to those that make us happy. For example, rather than stewing over that irritating conversation the other day, you can choose to go for a walk and take in the beauty of nature around you. That is an active choice a person can make about owning his or her feelings.
While the feeling of happiness is something fleeting and circumstantial, joy is more of a disposition and therefore, more stable, regardless of circumstances. For Christians, joy is the disposition we possess because we know that God will always provide for us, and that heaven awaits us at the end of this earthly life. When you are aware of how short life is and how long eternity is, you are less concerned with worldly, circumstantial happiness. God wants every single person to live with Him forever in heaven, so He will provide each of us with everything we need to get there. We just have to be open to receiving it. Therefore, our focus should be on His will and heaven, rather than on the fleeting things of the world.
Joy is a by-product of faith and trust in the Lord. For Christians, joy is knowing that everything will always be ok in the end because God is in charge. Letting go of our own human desires is a key factor in obtaining true joy. Think about a particular situation where you struggle to let go of your own personal desires. Perhaps you have a difficult relationship with someone, and you wish they would just come around to your perspective. Perhaps you have a difficult work situation. Perhaps your children have left the Faith. These things can cause us anxiety and overshadow our joy if we let them. Now, what if you were to let go of your desires for that situation and hand them over to God, trusting that He will make everything all right in the end? Having faith that God (who loves you more than you know) will take care of you, while releasing those emotional burdens, will lead to ever more unshakeable joy.
Let’s take a look at some good examples of the disposition of joy as opposed to just the feeling of happiness, beginning with Scripture. The entire book of Job is about a man who had it all – family, wealth, respect, etc. In order to carry out a test on Job’s faithfulness, God allowed Satan to take everything from Job. To make a long story short, with a little bit of a struggle, Job remains faithful, trusting that God allows bad things to happen for a greater plan unknown to him. By the end, God rewards Job by restoring everything to him two-fold. The Psalms are full of feelings other than happiness. The psalmist experiences sadness, betrayal, and remorse, but in all of these circumstances, he never ceases to praise God for His goodness in songs of joy. We know that Jesus Himself, in His humanity, experienced feelings other than happiness. When His dear friend died, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). When the temple was being treated as a marketplace, “Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons” (Matt 21:12). As we know, He also experienced tremendous suffering at the end of His earthly life, yet He remained faithful to the greater plan saying, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will” (Mark 14:36). Of course, we also know how that ended – with the most glorious and joyful resurrection that enables the faithful to join Him in heaven.
The stories of our saints also give us examples of Christian joy in the midst of trials and suffering or other unfavorable circumstances. St. Joan of Arc fought on a literal battlefield and was burned at the stake. St. Thomas More was imprisoned for telling King Henry VIII he could not get a divorce. St. Padre Pio had the stigmata and was physically beaten by demons. St. Thérèse of Lisieux contracted tuberculosis. St. Monica had a philandering and abusive husband and a wayward son. St. Teresa of Calcutta served the poorest and sickest outcasts of India’s society. All of these examples are of circumstances that do not foster happiness, but every one of these saints endured their circumstances with the kind of joy that only comes from knowing God and knowing what awaited them after their earthly lives. Look at photographs of more modern saints and you can see the joy on their faces and in their eyes because the source of it is the Lord.
This week, think about how you can facilitate more joy in your life despite your particular circumstances. What can you let go of, trusting that God will take care of all of it in the end? Consider shifting your prayers for other people from what might bring them happiness to what will lead them to real joy.
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]]>The Feast of the Ascension is often neglected today. It is tucked into a nearby Sunday, its role as the fortieth day, jettisoned. But even in those places that still honor it with a Thursday Solemnity, there is still a difficulty in appreciating the full glory of that day. In this post, following the Scriptures and the teaching of some of the ancient Fathers of the Church, we can investigate some of the more hidden glory of this magnificent event.
The fundamental source for these reflections is Jean Cardinal Danielou’s book The Angels and Their Mission: According to the Fathers of the Church. The references to the Fathers in this post are fully footnoted in his book, but some of the scriptural passages below represent my own additions.
We can begin with a parabolic prelude – Jesus told at least two parables that the Fathers of the Church interpret to represent the angels:
-
- Then Jesus told them this parable: “What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the pasture and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, comes home, and calls together his friends and neighbors to tell them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my lost sheep!’ In the same way, I tell you that there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous ones who do not need to repent. (Luke 15:3-7)
- Or what woman who has ten silver coins and loses one of them does not light a lamp, sweep her house, and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls together her friends and neighbors to say, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my lost coin.’ In the same way, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of God’s angels over one sinner who repents.” (Luke 15:8-10)
Gregory Nazianzus interprets this parable as Christ entering into heaven at the Ascension and, after having recovered the lost sheep and the Lost Drachma and calling together the angels to share his joy.
Indeed, there is a whole tradition, among the Fathers, but going back much further into the early Church, which sees the lost sheep as human beings, and flock which the Good Shepherd “leaves” in order to search for the sheep as the angels. Origen sets it forth and Methodius of Philippi writes: “We must see the ninety-nine sheep as a representation of the Powers, Principalities and Dominations whom the Head and Shepherd has left behind to go down and seek out the one lost sheep.” Gregory of Nyssa adds: “We mankind, are the lost sheep…and have strayed from the other spiritual creates [i.e. the angels].
Hence, we are given a picture of joy as Christ re-enters heaven with the lost sheep of humanity.
The Picture of the Ascension given by the Lord: Jesus prophecies his ascension in John’s Gospel as something which Nathaniel will see. The Lord’s description also shows the role of the angels
Jesus said to Nathaniel, “Do you believe just because I told you I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than these.” Then He declared, “Truly, truly, I tell you, you will see heaven open and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man. (John 1:50-51)
Here then is a picture of Jesus ascending, not as a lone figure,
A picture from the Psalms: Church Fathers Eusebius, Chrysostom, Justin and Athanasius say that the virtues (i.e. angels) of heaven, seeing him begin to ascend, rise and surround him to form an escort proclaiming his ascension as they cried: Rise up eternal gates and the King of glory will enter!” Gregory of Nyssa adds, that at first the higher angels do not recognize Christ since he has put on the poor tunic of humanity and because his garments were stained with blood. And herein comes a questioning and wondering dialogue back and forth that is from Psalm 27 but which the ancient Fathers apply to the moment of the Ascension:
The lower-ranking angels who have escorted Jesus cry out to the higher-ranking angels of heaven:
Lift up your heads, O gates! Be lifted up, O ancient doors, that the King of Glory may enter!
And from within the heavenly angels answer:
Who is this King of Glory?
And the escorting angels answer:
The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O gates! Be lifted up, O ancient doors, that the King of Glory may enter! (Psalm 24:7-9)
Eusebius also cites Psalm 47 as fulfilled in the Ascension through the praises of the Angels:
God ascends amid shouts of joy, the LORD with the sound of trumpets. Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises! For God is King of all the earth; sing profound praises to Him. God reigns over the nations; God is seated on His holy throne. For the shields of the earth belong to God; He is highly to be exalted. (Ps 47:5-9)
Another picture from Scripture (Isaiah 63:1-3) is applied by the Fathers to the Ascension, where the angels of heaven, seeing Christ approach, cry out:
Who is this coming from Edom, from Bozrah with crimson-stained garments? Who is this robed in splendor, marching in the greatness of His strength?
Jesus answers:
“It is I who speak in righteousness, mighty to save.”
The Angels ask:
Why are Your clothes red, and Your garments like one who treads the winepress?
Jesus answers:
“I have trodden the winepress alone, (Isaiah 63:1-3)
The exultation of our humanity In Christ’s Ascension is also a principle developed in Scripture and by the Father. Though the angelic nature remains superior to human nature in the order of creation, Christ’s incarnation, resurrection and ascension have exalted our humanity in his. The Book of Hebrews says,
[Jesus] has taken his seat at the right hand of the Majesty on high. So He became as far superior to the angels as the name He has inherited is excellent beyond theirs. For to which of the angels did God ever say: “You are My Son; today I have become Your Father”(Heb 1:3-4)
For it is not to angels that He has subjected the world to come, about which we are speaking. But somewhere it is testified in these words: “What is man that You are mindful of him, or the son of man that You care for him? You made him for a while lower than the angels; and now You have crowned him with glory and honor and placed everything under his feet. (Heb 2: 5-8)
These texts speak to Christ’s superiority to the Angels. As God, he was always superior to the angels, but, in hypostatically uniting himself to a human nature, raising it gloriously and ascending with that glorified human nature, he has exalted us all.
St. John Chrysostom says of the Ascension:
Today we are raised up into heaven, we who seemed unworthy even of earth. [In Christ, and as members of his Body] We are exalted above the heavens; we arrive at the kingly throne. The [human] nature which caused the Cherubim to keep guard over paradise is seated today above the Cherubim. Was not such a glory beyond all expression? But he rose above the angels, he passed the cherubim, he went higher than the Seraphim, he bypassed the Thrones. He didn’t stop until He arrived at the very throne of God.
So, the Feast of the Ascension is our feast too. In baptism, we died with Christ and rose with him to new life. In the Ascension of Christ, we also ascend. Hence, in Christ and as members of Christ’s Body through baptism, we are mystically seated with him at the Father’s right. In Christ and by his ascension our lowly nature is glorified and we hear the call “come up higher.” For now, we never cease to honor the angels who by nature are superior to us and care for us. And yet, by grace alone and in Christ, we have ascended with him to the highest place. On account of which the angels marvel and sing God’s praises.
The Ascension is the counterpart of the fall in Eden, but we are not simply restored to an earthly paradise; we are taken to the heavenly one!
Is this why Satan rebelled? There is an ancient tradition that the angels where shown God’s plan and that Lucifer, a high ranking angel, recoiled at the idea of God joining himself to the mere “mud dolls” of humanity. Inspiring a rebellion he waged war in the heavens and was cast out by St. Michael and the other angels. Now he roams the earth, deeply envious of human beings, and seeks to debase and destroy them. This is hinted at in Scripture in Revelation 12, but the details of the reason for Satan’s wrath are more in the realm of tradition and speculation.
Here then are some reflections on the glorious feast of the Ascension from Scripture and the teachings of the Fathers of the Church.
Image: Gustave Doré, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
This post was originally published on Community in Mission and is reprinted here with permission.
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]]>When I shared my recent sound bath experience last week, many of you responded letting me know life has been particularly challenging for you too lately. If you’re in that same boat—and especially if you’ve been feeling lonely, down on yourself, or overwhelmed—I have a feeling you’ll appreciate two free events that are coming up soon.
hen I emailed last week about my recent sound bath experience, many of you responded letting me know life has been particularly challenging for you lately too.
If you’re in that same boat—and especially if you’ve been feeling lonely, down on yourself, or overwhelmed—I have a feeling you’ll appreciate two free events that are coming up soon.
The first is The Power of Love Summit, a free online event that’s happening June 2–8, featuring conversations with 40+ leading voices in psychology, spirituality, trauma healing, and conscious relationships—including Tara Brach, Kristin Neff, Sharon Salzberg, Rick Hanson, Nicole LePera, and the Gottmans.
Some of the topics include:
- healing emotional wounds and rediscovering your inherent worth
- cultivating radical self-love and quieting the voice of self-doubt
- creating deeper connection and intimacy in your relationships
- mending family ties, even when facing past hurt or estrangement
- transforming heartbreak and rejection into greater strength and a deeper capacity to love
Throughout the summit, you’ll also experience breathwork, guided meditation, journaling, dance, affirmations, a sound bath, and more.
What sets this summit apart is its depth and scope. Presentations move well beyond surface-level advice to address the root causes of disconnection, self-doubt, and the emotional patterns that have made love feel distant or hard to hold onto.
The event covers every dimension of love—including self-love, romantic partnership, family bonds, friendship, and the expansive role love plays in healing our communities and our world.
Whether you’re healing from heartbreak, longing for deeper connection, or simply ready to live with a more open heart, this might be just what you need.
You can sign up here (and instantly claim five bonus gifts):
Reserve Your FREE Spot for the Power of Love
Now onto the second event.
A few weeks ago, I shared a free week-long online event called The Seven Strengths, focused on finding calm and steadiness in stressful times.
Since this event starts tomorrow (on the 13th), and I know many of us are feeling stretched thin and emotionally overloaded right now, I thought it was worth mentioning again.
This event includes short daily teachings and guided practices designed to help you:
- feel calmer and less reactive
- reconnect with compassion and clarity
- build emotional resilience
- create a steadier inner foundation
It also features teachers I deeply respect and admire, including Rick Hanson, Sharon Salzberg, and Kristin Neff.
The Seven Strengths course is normally valued at $110, but for this live experience, it’s being offered for free as a gesture of support during these challenging times. You’ll also receive three bonus gifts instantly when you register.
You can learn more or sign up free here:
Save Your FREE Spot for the Seven Strengths
I hope these free teachings bring a little more peace and love into your life.
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]]>“When something isn’t right for you, it has a way of letting you know. Not in one big announcement, but in a thousand small nudges.” ~Martha Beck
I was sitting at the kitchen table with my coffee one morning when a thought slipped in that I hadn’t let myself think before: This can’t be the rest of my life.
There wasn’t one dramatic moment I could point to and say, “This is why I have to leave.”
Part of me wished there had been something obvious, some clear betrayal or breaking point I could point to and say, “There. That’s the reason.” Then I wouldn’t have had to rely on my inner experience alone. My husband hadn’t cheated, and I wasn’t being mistreated. From the outside, my life looked stable, respectable, even successful. I had built it around loyalty, commitment, and doing things the “right” way.
I had gotten married at nineteen and was deeply involved in my church, even mentoring newly married couples. On paper, I was living the life I was supposed to want.
But something in me had changed. At first, it showed up as a quiet kind of exhaustion, not the kind that sleep fixes, but the kind that comes from forcing yourself through a life that no longer fits. I woke up tired and went to bed tired, and even on days when nothing was particularly wrong, everything felt heavy.
It felt like I was moving through my life instead of living it.
The Thought That Wouldn’t Go Away
That thought kept returning: This can’t be the rest of my life.
It showed up in quiet moments, folding laundry, driving to the store, standing in the shower. Nothing dramatic was happening, but I kept feeling the same jolt of recognition: something about my life no longer fit.
Each time it surfaced, I pushed it down by reminding myself to be grateful, by listing all the reasons my life was good. But it didn’t go away. It got harder to drown out.
So I did what I knew how to do. I tried to figure it out.
I read self-help books, listened to podcasts, and asked friends what they would do if they were me. Most of them said some version of the same thing: If you’re not happy, you should leave. But even as they said it, I knew I wasn’t going to. Because I was terrified of what it would mean.
I kept telling myself it wasn’t bad enough to leave, and that was the problem. If something had been obviously wrong, I think I would have trusted myself faster. But when your life looks fine from the outside, it’s easy to talk yourself out of what you feel on the inside. You tell yourself you’re lucky. You tell yourself other people have it worse. You tell yourself wanting something different must mean something is wrong with you.
Because I had no clear reason to want something different, I kept asking myself, “Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be grateful for what I have?”
I wasn’t asking because I didn’t know. I was asking because I didn’t want the answer to be what I already knew. I wanted someone to give me permission to keep things the same—to tell me this was just a phase, that I’d get over it.
Somewhere along the way, without meaning to, it felt like I had opened something I couldn’t close. I tried to put the lid back on. I tried to go back to how things were. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t un-know what I knew. The life I built fit who I used to be, but I wasn’t that person anymore.
If This Is True… Then What?
That realization made things clearer, and a lot scarier. Because if I wasn’t that person, then who was I?
If I fully acknowledged what I was feeling, it meant everything could change, not just my marriage but my sense of who I was. I had built my life around loyalty, commitment, and being sure. So I kept circling it, because not knowing what came next felt easier than admitting what was already true. I didn’t know who I would be if I stopped being that person.
For someone who had always been clear on who I was and what I was working toward, not knowing felt like losing the ground beneath me.
For a while, I kept trying to think my way to certainty before doing anything. But eventually, I got tired of waiting to feel sure. I was ready to do something about what I already knew.
I asked a coworker about a therapist she had mentioned, made the call, and showed up to the appointment. No one looking at my life would have seen that phone call as a turning point, but I did. It was the first time I acted like what I felt mattered.
I was no longer just sitting with the thought. I was responding to it.
In that first therapy session, I realized how disconnected I was from my own feelings. The exhaustion and overwhelm I had been carrying for years weren’t just stress. They were signs of how long I had been pushing my own experience down. It had felt normal for so long that I didn’t know there was another way to live.
As I kept working with my therapist, I started noticing how hard it was to answer simple questions about how I felt.
In one session, I told her about leaving home at nineteen because my dad was an alcoholic and it didn’t feel safe to stay. I couldn’t afford to pay the bills on my own, and in the Bible Belt culture I grew up in, marriage felt like the only real option.
She asked what that experience had been like for me, and I said something like, “You just do what you have to do.” She replied, “But what was it like for you? What was your experience of feeling like you had no good options?”
I started reaching for words like “unfair” and “impossible.” Then she asked, “Did it make you angry?” I burst into tears. I was furious, angrier than I had ever let myself admit. Angry that I didn’t feel supported. Angry at the rules I grew up with that made me feel like I had no choice. Angry at myself for giving my power away and staying in a situation that wasn’t supportive of me for over a decade.
And I had never recognized it or allowed myself to feel it. No wonder I had worked so hard to stay busy, stay grateful, and keep going. Some part of me had been trying to protect me all along.
But once I started being honest about what I felt, something began to shift. I found my voice. I could hear my own intuition again. I stopped moving through life on autopilot and started making choices with more intention.
A couple of years after that first phone call, my external life looked completely different. I had divorced my husband, and we remained good friends. I had left my corporate job and started a freelance business, something I had wanted for years. I had also found the love of my life.
And all of it began with a thought I tried so hard to dismiss: This can’t be the rest of my life. At the time, I thought that thought was a problem, proof that something was wrong with me. What I understand now is that it was the beginning of finally listening to myself.
What I Understand Now
Looking back, I understand something I couldn’t see then: the lives that are hardest to leave aren’t always the worst ones. Sometimes they’re often the ones that are fine, the ones that give you no clean reason to go.
So when something in you starts asking for something different, it’s easy to call it selfish, dramatic, or ungrateful. But that voice is not always asking you to blow up your life. Sometimes it’s only asking you to admit that something no longer fits. That’s often how change begins, not with a dramatic decision, but with the moment you stop pretending you don’t know what you know.
About Patti Bryant
Patti Bryant is a writer and coach for women who feel like something in life no longer fits, even if they can’t explain why yet. Learn more at pattibryant.com.
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]]>“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” ~Viktor E. Frankl
A few months ago, I was on a crowded highway with my wife and son. Traffic was barely moving. Vehicles were inching forward, one small gap at a time, with the usual impatience hanging in the air.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang. It sounded like something had burst.
For a second, I didn’t understand what had happened. Then I realized a motorcyclist trying to squeeze through the narrow space between cars had hit us. His side bar had torn into our rear tire, and he had fallen onto the road.
We stepped out immediately. We were all shaken. The motorcyclist was getting up, visibly startled.
My first reaction was anger.
We had already been stuck in that traffic jam for over an hour, and now there was a damaged tire to deal with in the middle of it. The inconvenience, the carelessness, the sudden disruption—it all came together in that moment.
But something unexpected happened.
My son was driving, and I could sense the tension in him. The motorcyclist walked up, apologized, and offered to pay a small amount for the damage. It was clearly not enough, and under different circumstances, we might have argued.
I might have reacted very differently. Raised my voice, questioned his carelessness, and insisted on compensation right there on the road.
It could easily have turned into an argument, drawing attention and adding to the chaos around us. And it would have only added to that tension.
Instead, we focused on the immediate problem. Changing a tire in that kind of traffic was not possible. Cars were packed too closely, and there was no space to do it safely.
So we made a tough decision. We drove on.
For nearly two kilometers, we moved carefully on a damaged tire, the car unsteady, the sound of it reminding us of what had just happened. Eventually, we found a small roadside tire shop and got it replaced.
The entire episode set us back by almost two hours.
For a while, there was still tension. We had already been irritated before the incident, and this had only added to it. But as we got back on the road, something shifted.
We found ourselves talking normally again. We stopped for a delicious lunch and, almost without noticing, began to enjoy the rest of the journey.
Later, I thought about how easily that moment could have gone differently.
We could have argued with the motorcyclist. We could have held on to the anger, replaying the incident in our minds. It would not have changed what had happened. The tire would still have needed to be replaced. The delay would still have been there.
But it would have changed the rest of the day.
Sometimes, not reacting is not about being calm or patient in a deliberate way. It is simply about seeing clearly what the situation needs.
In that moment, what we needed was not an argument. It was a solution.
The anger came, but it did not stay. And because it did not stay, it did not take anything more from us than it already had.
That small difference changed the experience of the entire day.
It reminded me that we often carry moments longer than necessary, turning them over in our minds, letting them shape what comes next.
But sometimes, we can let them pass.
Not because they don’t matter, but because holding on to them does not help.
And when we do that, even an ordinary day that briefly went wrong can find its way back again.
About Ashok B. Heryani
Ashok B. Heryani writes reflective essays on everyday life, exploring human behavior, social patterns, and the quiet forces that shape how we live and relate to one another.
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]]>“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ~C.G. Jung
For twelve years, I believed I was the architect of a perfect life. I had the “Summa Cum Laude” degree, a respected career in human services, a devoted husband, and two healthy daughters. I had checked every box on the “Success” list. I truly thought I had outrun my past.
But trauma has a way of waiting. It doesn’t disappear just because you stop looking at it. It simply goes underground, like a silent program running in the background of a computer, waiting for the right key to be pressed.
When I was twenty-one, I escaped from a ten-year, on/off toxic relationship that had consumed my entire adolescence. At the time, I didn’t have the words “narcissistic abuse” or “gaslighting.” I just thought he was a man who couldn’t get his act together. He went to jail and I moved on; I built a fortress of a life.
And then, twelve years later, I bumped into him. We’ll call him X.
The Return of the Familiar
It wasn’t a calculated move. It was an extreme chance encounter that felt like a lightning strike. Within weeks, the fortress I had spent over a decade building began to crumble.
I did the unthinkable: I separated from my family. I broke apart the peace I had cultivated to go back to the man who had nearly destroyed me as a girl.
From the outside, it looked like madness; from the inside, it felt like an irresistible pull. It was a biological “homecoming” to my nervous system that I had never actually healed; I had only suppressed it. My mind and body felt like magnets to the familiar trauma, disguised as “true love” and a “happily ever after.”
Within a month, X’s mask slipped. The same jealousies, the same mental games, and the same chilling gaslighting returned. But this time, I was different.
I was an adult. I was a mom. I was finishing my master’s degree and learning about abusive relationships at this very time, and I had spent years working in the human services profession.
And suddenly, I had the epiphany.
The Holes in the Wall
I remember standing in a cramped, crappy apartment—the one I had moved into just to be with X. I wasn’t DIYing a dream home like I had planned. I was holding a putty knife, trying to patch holes in the drywall that had been put there by X’s fists.
As I smoothed the spackle over the damage, the absurdity of the moment hit me with the force of a tidal wave. Here I was, a high-achieving professional, a woman who taught others about empowerment and boundaries, hiding the physical evidence of my own destruction. I was literally trying to cover up the holes in my life, hoping that if I made the surface look smooth enough, I wouldn’t have to face the rot underneath.
I realized that my entire “success story” over the last decade had been a version of this spackle. I had spent twelve years painting over the “adolescent me” with layers of professional accolades and academic achievements. But because I hadn’t addressed the original trauma of my youth, the foundation was still brittle.
At the first sign of heat—the first encounter with my past—those layers cracked.
That’s when I saw the “ghost in my system.” I wasn’t fighting the man standing in front of me; I was fighting a version of myself that had been stuck at age twelve. I had “moved on” at twenty-one, but I hadn’t integrated the experience; I had simply built a beautiful life on top of a broken foundation.
The Turning Point
I left that apartment. I went back to my family and did the grueling, messy work of repairing the damage I had caused. But this time, the “work” was different.
I wasn’t just healing from the mistake of my thirties; I was finally reaching back to that twelve-year-old girl and telling her, “I see you now. We’re going to fix the foundation this time.” I had to learn the hard way that we often mistake a change in scenery for a change in soul.
We think that because we have a house, a career, and a “perfect” family, we have outgrown our struggle. But healing is not a matter of time; it is a matter of awareness.
Lessons from the Foundation
Through this journey of losing and finding myself, I discovered three truths that changed how I view personal growth:
1. Success is not a substitute for stability.
You can be a high-achiever and still be highly vulnerable. Many of us use “doing” as a way to avoid “being.” My career success was my armor, but it didn’t make me immune to old triggers.
2. You cannot fix what you haven’t defined.
For years, I didn’t realize I was an abuse survivor. I thought I was just “strong.” It wasn’t until I used my professional training to look at my own life objectively that I could name the beast; but once you name it—gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding—it loses its power over you.
3. The “why” is in the roots.
I had to stop asking, “How could I be so stupid?” and start asking, “What did that twelve-year-old girl need that she is still looking for?” When we approach our mistakes with curiosity instead of contempt, we find the roadmap to the cure. Contempt keeps us stuck in shame; curiosity leads us home.
The Power of Giving Back
I realized through this experience that while I was lucky enough to have the education to eventually catch myself, so many people are left wandering in the dark without a map. Not everyone is ready or able to access traditional therapy or support systems. Those paths can often feel expensive, time-consuming, or even intimidating when you are already in a state of collapse.
I now believe that one of the most powerful steps in our own healing is the act of sharing what we’ve learned. Giving back isn’t just a kind gesture; it is a therapeutic necessity. When we translate our private pain into a public resource for others, we finally strip that pain of its power to shame us, and we turn our “devastation” into a “blueprint” that someone else can use to find their way home.
Practical Steps for Rebuilding
If you are currently standing in your own “broken apartment,” wondering how to start patching the holes, here is what I have found to be most effective:
1. Audit your foundation.
Stop looking at the “new paint” of your current success and look at the original wood. Ask yourself: Am I reacting to what is happening today, or am I reacting to a ghost from my past?
2. Name the beast/ghost.
Don’t just say you are “stressed.” Use specific language—whether it is gaslighting, a trauma bond, or a nervous system spiral. Once you name a pattern, you are no longer a victim of it; you are an observer of it.
3. Find a way to serve.
Even if it’s just sharing a single truth with a friend or posting an honest reflection online, the act of helping someone else navigate their challenging circumstances is often the very thing that pulls us out of our own.
The Ongoing Commitment
If my own mid-life crisis taught me anything, it’s that healing isn’t a destination you reach and then stay at forever. It’s a commitment to checking your own foundation every single day. It’s about making sure that the life you are building is one you actually want to live in – not just one that looks good from the street.
While the devastations we face are often our greatest teachers, my hope is that by sharing my story, I can help others leave the quagmire of confusion and emotional pain much sooner than I did.
About Stephanie Nelson, M.A.
Stephanie Nelson, M.A., is a Human Services professional with over 20 years of experience. After nearly losing her “perfect” life to a ghost from her past, she founded MySelfGrowthTools.com to provide free, 24/7, no barrier, digital tools for those navigating recovery and self-growth. She lives for “aha!” moments and helping others rebuild their lives on a foundation of true self-trust. Follow along on Instagram @my.selfgrowthtools.
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]]>“A big part of financial freedom is having your heart and mind free from worry about the what-ifs of life.” ~Suze Orman
During my upbringing, my parents often fought about money since we didn’t have much of it. My mom was more of an occasional spender, while my father would go as far as making me wear shoes that were a size smaller just so he could save money.
This conflict of opposites created real tension in our home, and eventually, my dad instructed my mom to give my father her entire salary so he could manage it. She had to ask for an allowance even for things like menstrual pads or coffee. Today, I understand that this type of dynamic is called financial abuse.
When my mom left my dad, it was very difficult for her to support our family financially since she was making less money than my father while they were together.
Even in spite of that, she wanted us to have more. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was twelve years old, and my mom took me to a clothing store called Mango. I loved that store but could never buy anything from there because it was outside of our price range.
I noticed a simple black sweater and immediately fell in love with it. I showed it to my mom. It was around $20, which was a budget for our groceries for the week. And as any child would, I started begging her to buy it for me. Eventually she gave in and said okay.
I remember we were standing by the register. She was to my right side, and when I looked at her, I could not only see but literally feel the stress she was going through by spending $20 on a sweater she couldn’t afford. My excitement was immediately replaced by profound guilt and shame that I was the reason she was stressed and sad.
Although I didn’t realize it for many years, this was a defining moment when I unconsciously decided I wasn’t deserving or worthy of having more money or making good money.
Years later, when I began my healing work, I understood that these seemingly small and insignificant moments shape the way we see money, how we feel about it, and whether we believe we deserve it or not.
At first, this seemed to have a positive effect. In my twenties, I became an extreme saver.
When I was twenty-two, I moved to the US. During my first year as an au pair, I lived with a generous family and still managed to save, believing I was good with money.
After my year was up, I moved to Florida on my own and started to become aware of how the financial system works in the US. My husband at that time told me I needed to build credit because, well, everybody does it. We all need credit to live in this country. So I got my very first credit card. This was the time when my saving muscles began to weaken.
The standard of living I was used to in Slovakia was different here since I was starting from zero. Being a customer service representative, my mani-pedis, haircuts, and the desire to live the high life because I was in America ate a significant portion of my earnings while leaving me high and dry at the end of the month.
Looking back now, I’d say the breaking point happened when I had a tooth emergency. I woke up with my right side completely swollen and had to rush to my dentist for an emergency appointment.
I had insurance, but I wasn’t aware that often there is a significant portion you must pay out of pocket. Once the emergency was averted, I was standing at the reception desk, handing the receptionist my insurance card. After a few moments, she looked at me with a smile and said, “Your total out of pocket is $1,600.”
I froze, cold sweat pouring over my anesthetized face. Say what? I don’t have $1,600. She looked at me again, smiled, and said, “That shouldn’t be a problem. We have a payment plan available.”
And that’s how my path of debt cycles began.
Could I sit here and tell you that the reason I was in such a bad financial position was the system or the bankers and lenders that so freely offered me their money? Of course. But that is a very small part of the equation, and it actually isn’t the reason I ended up broke.
After about eight years of personal loans, medical debt, a car loan, and about six credit cards, I hit rock bottom and eventually filed for bankruptcy.
One thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was that I was responsible, reliable, and capable in other areas of my life, but when it came to money, I was failing horribly. Even my payment history was perfect because, well, I was a responsible borrower. Later on, I used to joke that I was responsibly broke.
The bankruptcy was a turning point for me. Once everything was over and my case was settled, I remember sitting on my bed in my studio apartment, asking myself: “How did I actually get here?”
After I reflected, I recognized that it was a combination of three things. First, I never healed my money blocks and beliefs, which affected my income level. Second, I refused to educate myself about money. And third, I was using debt as a way to finance my lifestyle, although I couldn’t afford it at the time.
Once I sat with this for a while, I made a commitment to myself that I would never again find myself in such a financial position. I decided to face my financial fears head-on and purchased my very first financial book, Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.
As one of the first steps, he suggests you should save your first $1,000. I couldn’t see how I would be able to do that, but I stood strongly in my faith. I started with $50. Then it was $100, $200, and eventually, within two months, I saved my first $1,000.
Saving my first $1,000 was less about money and more about self-trust while rebuilding confidence in my choices. Suddenly, I felt more capable and reliable when it came to money, a feeling I wasn’t familiar with.
Step by step over the years, I started to make healthier financial choices. I opened my first brokerage account and started investing, and no matter what point system a credit card company offers, I am staying away from having any.
Looking back at this journey of financial struggle and how I tied it to my self-worth, there are three pieces of advice I’d offer when it comes to money.
1. Address your financial trauma.
Whether people grew up with money or without it, many of us have financial limiting beliefs that hold us back.
Five minutes in a clothing store with my mom at the age of twelve directed another twenty years of financial stress for me. Money directly affects our nervous system as well as our mental and emotional well-being.
Of course, for people who are truly struggling or living at poverty level, financial stress is inevitable. But for many of us, a paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle is a combination of bad financial habits, a negative relationship with money, and a lack of financial knowledge.
Addressing your relationship with money won’t only help you understand your current financial situation but also uncover deeper wounds you might be carrying, like feelings of unworthiness or a desire for validation. Money problems are often symptoms of a deeper issue.
2. Spirituality and money can coexist.
I grew up atheist, so when I started to explore spirituality later in life, I developed a certain obliviousness toward money. I saw it as something materialistic that didn’t belong in the spiritual world.
I later realized that spirituality became another way for me to avoid my financial trauma, justifying that I was above money and could manifest my way out of being broke. Although I’m not minimizing the power of attraction and manifestation, I think it’s important to be practical and logical when it comes to our finances.
The hardest lesson was learning that I can’t reach higher states of consciousness or heal much of my trauma when I’m stuck in constant survival mode and my nervous system is paralyzed by fight-or-flight mode because I don’t know how I’m going to tackle my rent next month. We must take care of the survival aspects of our life before we can dive deeper.
3. Learn about money.
There are so many negative financial statements we hear all the time. Things like “money can’t buy happiness” or “money is the root of all evil” when in fact, there is nothing wrong with being interested in money, understanding it, and effectively working with it. Money is simply one of the many essential aspects of living a healthy and balanced lifestyle.
You don’t need to strive to be the richest person in the world, but understanding your budget, having an emergency fund, and saving for retirement are the basis of your financial health.
When I started learning about money, it gave me a sense of empowerment and competency. It made me feel more confident, gave me clarity, and brought a sense of peace into my day-to-day life. There is so much I was able to accomplish on a deeper personal level and heal because I wasn’t consumed by daily financial stress.
Today, I no longer carry the shame of that moment at the register. Instead, I carry the knowledge that I am capable, worthy, and deserving of financial stability, and so are you.
About Silvia Turonova
Silvia helps financially independent women transform their relationship with money, addressing both the emotional and the practical side through a personalized money system. She created the HerEaseWithMoney Starter, a free 10-minute money guide for women ready to take their first step. Get it here. You can also find her on Instagram.
The post Finding Peace with Money After Years of Feeling “Responsibly Broke” first appeared on My Love Link - Love.
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