I don’t think I’ve ever seen a list ranking the top values that parents want to pass on to their kids. But I imagine most people would have many of the same values near the top: honesty, character, work ethic. A high percentage would also include their faith.
Though I’ve never seen an official list, there is no doubt in my mind “loving others” would rank near the top for nearly every parent. As would words like kindness, generosity, and compassion. We want our kids to prioritize people—especially over possessions.
But I wonder how well we as a society are accomplishing that. Often times, despite our internal desires, our individual actions tell a different story—and our kids notice. In many of our homes, we put more focus on the pursuit of material acquisition than we put on healthy and meaningful relationships. Without even realizing it, we subtly teach our kids to value stuff over people.
Here are 10 ways this can accidentally happen if we’re not careful:
1. We buy more than we need.
Let’s be clear, kids notice when our closets overflow, our garages are too full to park in, and packages regularly show up at the front door. When constant accumulation becomes normal, our children start to believe happiness is found in possessions—because that is the exact message we communicate.
It’s difficult to hear this, but there are not healthy motivations compelling us to acquire more and more. And whatever is motivating us to buy more than we need is a motivation our kids are learning.
2. We fill our homes with talk about shopping.
I don’t know what the most common three-word phrase is in a typical American household. Is it “I love you”? Or is it “I want that,” “It’s on sale,” or “Let’s go shopping”?
When most of our conversations revolve around what we want to buy or get delivered by tomorrow, that way of living becomes normal for our children. Our focus on it sets the expectation that fulfillment is something to be found in the next purchase. Over time, they learn to place their hopes in what’s for sale—rather than in people, growth, or experiences.
3. We hold onto basements full of stuff instead of sharing.
The typical family home in America is filled with countless possessions and items that are no longer being used. As a matter of fact, according to some surveys, nearly 40% of Americans can’t even park in their garage.
It might be normal to have a house full of excess, but this sends a powerful message to our kids—especially when so many others go without.
When we keep closets, attics, and basements filled with things we no longer need, we’re not just making our homes harder to manage. We’re also sending a subtle message to our children that what’s ours is ours, even if someone else could use it more.
Our kids notice when we cling to what could be shared. On the other hand, when we model generosity—when we choose to give rather than keep—they notice that too.
4. We work for money, but don’t show how money can work for others.
Gloria Steinem once said, “It is more rewarding to watch money change the world than watch it accumulate.” Some might argue, “But I’m accumulating money so that I can give it away.” Unfortunately, that time rarely comes. Instead, the more money we acquire, the more we think we need (or just plain want).
There is nothing wrong with working hard to provide and earn a living for our family. But when the goal of our life becomes only accumulating as much money for ourselves as we can get, how can we expect our kids to live any differently? Instead, we would be wise to ask ourselves regularly if having a lot of money is really something to be proud of anyway.
5. We define success in terms of money and possessions.
If our kids constantly hear us discussing success in material ways—celebrating raises, financial milestones, and material achievements more than kindness, generosity, or integrity, they’ll quickly learn to chase the same things. We need to remind ourselves—and them—that real success isn’t measured by possessions, but by how we treat others and use our gifts to impact the world.
6. We envy those who have more.
Our kids pick up quickly on our attitudes toward others. When we admire or envy neighbors, friends, family members, colleagues (or even celebrities) solely for their wealth or possessions, we subtly communicate that having more stuff is what makes someone admirable.
That is why it is so important we learn to define success differently and choose mentors worth imitating—both for ourselves and our kids. Let’s go out of our way to celebrate the attributes in others we most want to see in our children.
7. We only use gifts and rewards to communicate love.
If every achievement or special moment is celebrated with a new toy, gadget, or thing, we’re teaching our kids to associate love and approval with the acquisition of material possessions. I’m not against giving gifts to express respect, love, and admiration. But it would be wise for all of us to rethink the wisdom of buying things we don’t need as an expression of love. Surely there are better ways to do that.
8. We frequently use shopping as family entertainment.
If our outings and weekends frequently involve trips to malls or stores “just to look around,” our kids learn to equate fun with consumption.
But when we choose activities that focus on relationships, adventure, or creativity instead, we begin to model for our kids that there are more meaningful forms of entertainment than shopping. This is something to keep in mind as much on a lazy Saturday afternoon as it is on a summer trip.
9. We prioritize a home filled with nice things rather than warmth and connection.
One of the most welcoming and loving homes I ever spent an evening in had a dirt floor. And I have experienced hospitality in lavish homes as well. No doubt, I have felt warmth and connection in homes of all types.
A perfect home is never counted in square footage or the cost of furnishings. And physical possessions should never take priority in our homes over the people who live there or visit.
10. We stress constantly about money, instead of modeling peace through simplicity.
According to surveys, 72% of Americans report feeling stressed about money. Now, I understand there are many people with legitimate financial hardships—but it certainly isn’t 72% of us. Something else is causing that stress. In most cases, it’s the endless desire for more.
Often, our financial anxiety doesn’t stem from an inability to provide what we need for our families, but rather from living and desiring a lifestyle of excess. We fall behind or worry that we’re not keeping up because we’re comparing ourselves to others or feel pressured by society’s standards of success. Choosing a simpler, more minimalist lifestyle can relieve much of that stress. It shifts our focus from always wanting more to being content with what we have—allowing us to teach our children financial peace and intentionality by our example.
Every parent knows that when it comes to the values we model for our children, actions will always speak louder than words. It is one thing to tell them people matter more than possessions; it’s another to consistently live that truth every day. But the better we get at it, the better they will live it.
Now, some might ask, “Can’t I choose both people and stuff? Why does it have to be one or the other?”
It’s a fair question. But here’s the truth worth remembering: the more we fill our lives with unnecessary possessions, the less room we have for more important pursuits—like investing in relationships with other people. Every dollar, every hour, every bit of emotional energy spent pursuing and managing stuff is a resource that could have been used for relationships, generosity, kindness, compassion, and investing in others. In many cases, it is either/or (which is the reason for minimalism in the first place).
When we choose to intentionally own less, we remove distraction and free ourselves to live aligned with our deepest values. And that, ultimately, is the legacy we want to leave our children.
