Grief As a Spiritual Catalyst
by Vanessa May
Unlike the havoc that grief can often wreak on the mind and body, it can, by contrast, sometimes have a positive and metamorphic effect on the spirit. If it wasn’t for my spiritual beliefs and the ongoing connection I have with my son and husband, it’s possible I wouldn’t have survived the profound impact of their losses. My belief that there is something greater than ourselves and that we are part of something much bigger and beyond our limited comprehension, has enabled me to go on living, as I explain in my new book ‘When Grief Takes Everything: A Survival Guide to Devastating Loss’.
We are souls having a human experience, as French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said and, if this is true, then we can’t really separate our spiritual side from our humanness. We are eternal beings, here to remember who we really are, to activate what’s already within us. And perhaps some of us who are wounded by deep loss allow that wound to become a portal to the spiritual world.
A traumatic loss can facilitate a spiritual awakening
A life-changing loss can open us up to seeing our human experience, and what might come after, from a new perspective. As a holistic grief coach, I see this in many of my clients too, some of whom have felt discouraged from talking about the afterlife and signs they believe they’ve received, whether by therapists or by friends and family, the implication being that they are deluded because of the intensity of their grief. Yet a significant percentage of bereaved people believe they have had one or more after-death communications and 75 per cent of bereaved parents believe they have had a communication from their child.
It seems likely that the life-changing nature of a traumatic loss can facilitate some kind of spiritual awakening. Of course, many who haven’t experienced a grief that brings them to their knees, may just see spirituality as a false sense of hope, though arguably, a false sense of hope is preferable to sinking into deep and hopeless despair. We can’t know for certain what happens after death, so it seems reasonable to keep an open mind.
Can the darkness of suffering lead to the light?
It’s thought that the depth of a spiritual awakening may depend on the extent of the darkness and pain you’ve experienced. Some say older souls endure the most suffering but that the darkness they go through leads them to the light; that pain isn’t punishment, it’s a portal; that you need the shadow to find the light.
I have no fear of death, which is potentially quite freeing. (A therapist once told me that the fear of death underpins most issues she sees.) Those of us who have experienced the loss of a child, as well as those that have had a NDE (near death experience), commonly lose our fear of death, often because we develop a strong belief that the soul continues beyond this life. If you’re able to align with this belief, it can certainly bring a little peace to an extremely difficult journey. But to do this we have to learn to meet our loved ones where they are now and not where, and who, they were when they were in their bodily form – and understandably this isn’t always easy.
Meet then where they are now
All I can say is that my loved ones feel very different to me now. Missing their physical presence frequently remains agonising, but connecting to my son and husband – as they are now – is considerably less painful. Love can pierce the veil. But we have to trust they’re there, because the heaviness of grief can separate us from the very connection we’re seeking. We have to raise our vibration through meditation, reading, journaling, spiritual podcasts, mediumship readings and, above all, by simply believing that they still exist, that while they may be unseen, they remain present. It’s a shift of perspective which some will find easier than others. Losing your fear of death is also thought to connect you to a higher frequency.
We are eternal beings
They say that the greater the love, the greater the grief, which explains why the loss of your child in particular, who you are likely to love more than any other person in your life, is going to hurt so very much. But we remain bound to them by the ties of love and it’s possible that they remain closer than ever. In his book ‘Beauty; The Invisible Embrace’, John O’Donohue says:
‘The dead are not distant or absent. They are alongside us. When we lose someone to death, we lose their physical image and presence, they slip out of visible form into invisible presence…They continue to be near us and part of the healing of grief is the refinement of our hearts whereby we come to sense their loving nearness. When we ourselves enter the eternal world and come to see our lives on earth in full view, we may be surprised at the immense assistance and support with which our departed loved ones have accompanied every moment of our lives.’
The body just houses the soul and when the body dies, the soul continues because we are eternal beings. And scientifically speaking, energy can’t be destroyed, it can only be transformed. There is no ‘death’. Just because we can’t see our loved ones, doesn’t mean they’re not there; our connection continues.
About ‘When Grief Takes Everything: A Survival Gide to Devastating Loss’ 
Two years after losing my beloved son, I lost my husband and father in the same three-week period during the Covid pandemic. In ‘When Grief Takes Everything’, I chart my quest to make sense of what has happened to me, as well as sharing the stories of six other inspirational women who have experienced great loss. I also offer guidance, tools and resources drawn from my experience as a holistic grief coach.
Bio:
Vanessa May is a holistic grief coach and certified grief educator. She is also a nutritional therapist, wellbeing coach and spiritual life coach. Vanessa has written two other books: ‘Love Untethered: How to Live When Your Child Dies’ and ‘Supporting Your Grieving Client: A Guide for Wellness Practitioners’.
Vanessa’s new book ‘When Grief Takes Everything: A Survival Guide to Devastating Loss’ is available from Amazon on 7th October. (link)
Author Website: www.vanessamay.co.uk
Instagram: may.wellbeing.griefsupport
