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“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” ~Anatole France
When my cat Squiggles died, I didn’t just “lose a pet.” I lost a part of my identity, my greatest source of comfort, and my sense of home.
Squiggles was the one constant in my life through every milestone, every heartbreak, every version of myself I grew into over the course of two decades. I had her since the moment she was born, and for almost twenty-two years, Squiggles was my constant companion, my emotional support, my soul-kitty.
But no matter how much I prepared myself, nothing could soften the blow of saying goodbye and being forced to live without her.
As a therapist, I tried to apply all of the coping mechanisms I’ve learned over the years. But the human in me wanted to reject them all. I was just too deep in my grief.
So I turned inward. And over the past two years, I’ve been learning how to live with the loss of my soul-kitty. Not get over it. Or try to forget. But live with it.
Here are five things that helped me cope with life without her.
1. I validated the pain of my grief.
I knew the loss of Squiggles was going to be devastating one day, but knowing it didn’t make it easier. What it did do was help me validate just how deeply it hurt.
I didn’t try to hide how sad I felt. I cried every day for weeks. I canceled plans. I moved slowly. And instead of shaming myself for how awful I felt, I tended to the pain.
Even though many people out there might think, “She was just a pet,” to me, she was everything.
There’s a term for this kind of mourning: disenfranchised grief. It’s when your grief isn’t recognized by society in the same way a human loss might be. That doesn’t mean the grief is less real. It just means others may not understand how impactful the loss is.
The bond I had with Squiggles was deeper than many human relationships. I’ve heard countless people say the death of their pet hurt more than the death of a relative. I believe them. I felt it.
So I reminded myself daily: This was one of the most significant relationships in my life. I’m allowed to be this heartbroken.
2. I tried to find balance.
As a therapist, I’m well-versed in the idea that “the only way out is through.” But when you’re in the middle of overwhelming grief, feeling your feelings can quickly turn into drowning in them.
So I did it in small doses. I yearned for her. I cried. I talked to her. I allowed myself to remember.
And I also gave myself permission to take breaks from my grief when I could.
In the early weeks, I couldn’t imagine feeling anything other than sorrow. But slowly, I started allowing myself to step back from the pain. I gave myself a night out with friends. I practiced guitar. I gardened. I let myself laugh without feeling guilty about it.
And here’s the truth of taking breaks: It does not mean you’re moving on. It means you’re doing the best you can to survive.
Joy and grief can live side by side. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
3. I stopped saying “should.”
Grief doesn’t follow logic. Or timelines. Or “shoulds.”
And yet, they still popped up:
“I should be feeling better by now.”
“I should get rid of her things.”
“I should be grateful I had her for so long.”
At some point, I realized those “shoulds” were self-judgments in disguise. So I started replacing “should” with “could,” or “would like.” Sometimes I just asked, “Who says?”
Who says I have to move on quickly?
Who says keeping a box of her things means I’m stuck?
Who says I’m grieving “too much”?
Grief is a unique experience for everyone. No one knows how long the acute pain will last. For me, it has been about two years. My grief isn’t as all-consuming, yet I still have days where it hits me like a wave.
And now, two years later, I cherish those moments when the grief hits. Because it connects me back to Squiggles.
4. I connected with others who understood.
One of the most painful things about losing a pet is how isolating it feels. That one being who knows you in and out is no longer there. It feels incredibly lonely.
Friends didn’t always know what to say. People who had never had a close bond with a pet didn’t understand why I was so shattered.
Talking to people helped, but only if they really got it. The people who had been through their own soul-pet losses were the ones who I felt most comfortable with. And it helped.
Eventually, I created an online community where pet lovers could gather after losing a pet. A soft place to land where you don’t have to explain why you’re still crying six months later, or why it hurts more than you expected. People just get it.
This community has become a huge part of my healing. And I continue to witness the power of connection every time someone shares their story, their pet’s name, or even just their pain.
5. I used creativity and art to express how I felt.
In the beginning, the only way I knew how to stay connected to Squiggles was through my sadness. But as time went on, that love started to move through me in different ways.
I started gardening. Being in nature and witnessing seeds bloom into flowers reminded me of the circle of life and the connectedness of all beings.
When I really missed Squiggles and didn’t know what to do with myself, I’d express my emotions through poetry. Or draw every detail of her little face, the patterns in her fur, the way her paws tucked under her body. I looked through old photos and let my emotions guide me.
These small creative acts didn’t fix the grief. But they gave it somewhere to go. They gave me a way to keep loving her and helped me bring new forms of beauty into my life, even in her absence.
If you’ve lost a soulmate pet, please know that you’re allowed to take all the time in the world that you need to grieve. Our pets are members of our family and a huge part of who we are. The grief you experience is simply the love you have for them, just in a new form now.
